in my feelings or whatever

If you know me, you know that I’m passionate. You know that I care deeply about the things that I care at all about. You know I’m prone to fits of anger. You know that when I’m excited about something, it’s all I can talk about. If there’s something wrong, it’s also I can talk about.

I cry. I laugh. I pout. I poop. I feel. Literally everyone does.

LITERALLY EVERYONE DOES.

Feelings are a good thing. They are your brain’s way of saying “Hey!!!! This is proof that you’re alive!!! So be thankful for that, you fucking prick!!!!”

Feelings make us human. Being a human may not always be fun, but here we are in the thick of it. So we might as well make the best of it and feel those feelings, those little reminders that we’re alive.

Sometimes, being a man and being emotional don’t go well together. I’m not saying it’s anywhere near hard being a white straight male. My life is about as easy as it gets. I’m afforded many privileges because of things about me that I’m not in control of. BUT. If there is one thing that’s at all challenging about being a man like myself, it’s that I’m not supposed to have emotions. I’m supposed to be a robot. I shouldn’t feel anything. No ecstatic glee. No crying. Maybe frustration, mixed with a little bit of horniness. That’s it. No other emotions.

Well that’s not me. And that’s not most men. At least the ones that I know, the ones that are cool with letting their emotions show.

When I entered elementary school, before I had been taught that emotions (specifically crying bouts) were bad, I quickly learned that I wasn’t supposed to feel. My classmates constantly made fun of me for the basic human function of crying. And throughout my time in school, I went from being labeled a “cry-baby” to a “pussy” to “gay” to “sensitive.”

Sensitive is my favorite. It’s like the politically correct way of justifying my emotions. Because my emotions need justification. Because I’m a straight dude. And normal straight dudes shouldn’t cry. If a dude cries, he’s obviously gay. If he’s not gay, he’s just sensitive. When I was in fifth grade, my dad told me that if I kept crying like this in middle school, I would get beat up. Because crying is socially unacceptable for a real man.

In middle school, people told me I was “psycho” for getting angry all the time. I challenge anyone to act “normal” with pubescent levels of hormones raging through their bodies. It’s impossible.

Then in high school, I found the cure to my problems. If I ingested enough weed and alcohol in a short enough period of time, I actually no longer felt feelings. It was perfect. Finally, I could be a normal functioning member of society.

And this is all because I had been taught from a very young age that having emotions is not okay. It’s only over the last few years of sobriety that I’ve come to accept the fact that I am going to cry every now and then, and that that’s okay. It’s actually a really good thing. Feelings are dope, guys.

There’s no shame in crying. In my opinion, it’s a basic bodily function. Much like urinating. Or sex. Or eating donuts.

I’ve been crying a lot lately. I’ve also been really happy lately. This is normal. I used to alter my brain chemistry to deal with any emotions, positive or negative. Now, I’m not ashamed to talk about my shit. I’ll tell you how sad I am. I’ll tell you how happy I am. I’ll tell you to fuck off if I’m pissed.

Sometimes I’m sad

Anyone else tired of seeing all these stupid people on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram pretending to express no emotions other than joy and happiness? It’s not that I take pleasure in seeing other people in pain (okay, maybe a little), but scrolling through hours of posts from people claiming that their lives are so great ALL THE TIME gets fucking old.

We get it, you love your boyfriend. We remember the #mcm you posted last week, and every single Monday for the last 27 weeks.

Yeah I like hanging out with my friends, too, but I’m not gonna post 13 pictures in a row of them and I at a bar on a Wednesday night, acting like it’s the most fun we’ve ever had.

It’s not the positivity that I’m angry about. If you’re truly happy, great! I’m glad that you’re content with your life. Who am I to rain on your parade just because I’m an angry fuck?

Sometimes I feel like Patrick Bateman

But I do have a problem when people act like everything is all good just because they’re too afraid to admit how they’re really feeling. We’re fucking humans, we can’t control our emotions. So why the clear lack of negativity on social media? Even the happiest of people have less than ideal days once in a while.

Maybe I had a shitty day, and all I want is for everyone to know how much pain I’m in. Sadly, there are unspoken rules and etiquette of social media that determine what is and isn’t acceptable to post.

Expression of negative feelings on social media is looked down upon. No one wants to hear about my thoughts of suicide I have every now and then. Maybe the thought of not existing, of not having to think anymore, is attractive sometimes. But people would rather laugh at a tweet about Drake.

Cries for help on these public platforms are scrolled past, lost in the feed forever. People would rather look at a stupid picture I post of a donut (I’m eating a donut right now shouts to @strangedonuts I miss you) than read one of these posts in which I speak as candidly as I can about things important to me.

I’m guilty of this false positivity on social media as well. I’ve deleted a tweet or two. I derive (dis)pleasure from a lot of (or not enough) likes on an Instagram post.

Sometimes I actually get annoyed when people leave a comment, but choose not to double tap my picture. Reading that typed out on my computer is fucking embarrassing, but it’s the truth. I try not to let people’s opinions affect the way I live, yet it’s hard not to when I can feel people judging me based on how many likes I get on a picture of my dinner (btw I make better sofritas than Chipotle, fuck with me).

Even when I think about sharing this post on Instagram tomorrow, I already know what picture I’m gonna use (thank you Jennica for taking cool pictures of me ily sis) and what time of day I’m gonna post it (in the morning, I feel like that’s when my pictures get the most attention).

Point is, I wish people/I could express how they/I truly felt on social media, or even real life. I rarely talk to people about how I’m really feeling, unless I’m feeling positive.

Nothing good can come from bottling up emotions and pretending like everything’s alright when it’s not. So let’s start talking about our feelings when they’re not alright. Deal?